MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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