Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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