We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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