I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
