Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
