Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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