It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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