she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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