Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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