Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Blood and glitter go together right?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
