I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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