Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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