im six kinds of drunk right now
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
