you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
