she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
smell my finger.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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