hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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