I faked an abortion last night.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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