You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
