you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
