Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
