I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
