I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
