So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
