dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
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