She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
