I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
