He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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