I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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