That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
