that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
