I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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