I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
