if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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