I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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