she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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