if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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