She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just pee around me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
