I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
