But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
