Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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