I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
