Banned from zoo.
Again?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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