So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
