Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
