no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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