I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
