i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
