A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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