the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
