you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
